My Uncle, with his little white convertible and parade of admiring women, always seemed to embody a certain kind of cool confidence. Looking back, I realize he was enacting a performance of machismo, a stark contrast to the more nuanced view of masculinity I’ve developed over time. This exploration of machismo vs masculinity began with those early observations. He would parade them through our house one by one and he would always wink at me when he introduced me to another one. Every time he left, he would ask my 15-year-old brother at the time to give him a big glass of whiskey and fill it all the way up! You know, “one for the road.” He would have a big smile from ear to ear as he pushed in the huge 8-track tape into the dash for music before he sped off with the hair of whatever her name was at the time blowing in the wind.
It was a sight to see, and I loved every minute of it.
Machismo and Generational Influence
My Uncle and my pops were older guys, even when I was little. They came from a generation where if someone were to question your manhood, there were sometimes life and death consequences. Machismo was real. They learned from their dad and taught their kids as best as they could. A man is a man. But the perception they were taught was slightly skewed, as I’m sure is the case for all men who grow up in a Machismo household.
The dictionary defines machismo as:
- A strong sense of masculine pride; an exaggerated masculinity.
- An exaggerated or exhilarating sense of power or strength.
A strong sense of masculine pride. Exaggerated masculinity.
Machismo in a Latino Household
What does this translate to in a Latino household? Growing up, as I saw it, once you had testicles, any “feminine” characteristics were completely frowned upon and beaten out of you. Machismo meant no crying, no showing of emotion, no relying on anyone for help, no listening to reason when you’re wrong, no losing to anyone, no fear from anyone, no consoling from anyone, and no love.
Any males who exhibited those characteristics in the vicinity were automatically dubbed as homosexual and “not right.” They might as well have been Satan worshippers in my Dad and Uncle’s eyes.
The Values of Machismo
Don’t get me wrong, these men also believed with every fiber of their being that they NEEDED to provide for their families and for their women by any means necessary. Taking care of those they loved was the epitome of their whole existence. This type of thinking has been ingrained into my DNA so well, there have been times when people fell in love with my hand and not my heart (that’s a story for a different time).
But if taking care of those I love comes as naturally as breathing for me, what about the narcissistic, homophobic, and misogynistic traits that also come along with having a Machismo mindset?
The Personal Stories Behind Machismo
I was much older when I found out that my Uncle’s wife had cheated on him. And in his mind, he HAD to be with many women to compensate for what he was feeling. At least, that’s how I felt when that happened to me. And my dad? As uncompromising and homophobic as he was, that type of deathly fear of taking care of his kids only comes from a place of being abused as a child. These men are the greatest men I have ever known—not because they didn’t have flaws, but because they tried the best they could to change for their families and be better men. Both had enormous pressures to deal with in silence and had to show their Machismo for their own reasons.
Redefining Masculinity
It took a lifetime of soul-searching and emotional development to get to where I am today. And I’m positive I’m not done trying to improve myself. I had to learn that it is OK to have emotions, but you can’t let them guide you and run your life. It’s OK to ask for help when you need it; there is no shame in that. But those “asks” are very far and few in between, and extremely person-specific. I’m not asking just anyone for help. It’s OK to listen to someone else’s point of view. The more you keep your mouth closed and listen, the more you might be able to learn something. It’s OK to love and show that love to whoever you deem worthy, regardless of race, creed, gender, or color. It’s OK to tell people you love them. Especially my children. They are grown men, and every single time I see them, to this day, NOTHING is stopping me from hugging them and kissing them on the head. Not just showing but TELLING them I love them.
Most of the things I learned as “machismo” had to be re-thought and re-learned as a grown man. I had to stop perpetuating the negativity that comes from being machismo and teaching that to the next generation. I learned that masculinity is strong and unflinching but quiet. Masculinity is providing and caring for the ones you love without restrictions or conditions. Masculinity is having the ability to produce a sense of safety and calm in those around you, especially the ones you love, without ever having to say a single word.
At least, that’s what masculinity is in my humble opinion.
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